Houseguests

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the impending event. Motherhood.

Somehow, labor isn't intimidating. Not by comparison.

I have my Bradley Method instructor on stand by any time I have a question about labor.
I've got books and books about managing labor.
I've also got the best CNMs on the planet to assist me during my labor.
Of course my husband who will be coaching me through it all.
And ultimately I know that labor will go how it goes and it won't really matter because the end result will be meeting my baby girl.
WOOT.

My mindset so far has been that pregnancy has an end and that end is labor.
Once labor begins there are measured beginning and ends. Each stages comes and then eventually goes. It is measurable and confined.

The element of this that I can't quite wrap my brain around yet is that motherhood begins and then never ends.  I will always be a mom. More importantly, I will always be HER mom.
The way my silly mind is trying to process it now is a little strange.
I catch myself thinking of Amelia as this houseguest that we are preparing for,
and she just happens to be an infant.
I imagine her arriving with all her tiny luggage and the *stuff* that babies need. (Boy oh boy they need stuff) In my mind's eye I see her getting settled in her room but she's kinda living out of a suitcase and only puts her toiletries in the bathroom while using them, then they go back in the zipper bag she brought them in. She'll probably need to be entertained and so we'll make awkward small talk over tea.  Then, once she's overstayed her welcome, I picture her leaving to go stay with some other nice folks who just finished being pregnant too.

We have hosted many out of town friends in the room which is SLOWLY becoming her nursery. Maybe on some level her being in the guest room has something to do with it. Maybe not.

It just feels like I've been waiting for pregancy to end so that everything will go back to normal. But it won't. I am about to learn what my new normal is.
I will never go back. Moving forward is the only option. Because I will be a mom and that was never my old normal. But it will be for the rest of my days.

Now, don't get my words twisted and think for a second that I'm saying all this to complain about a life sentence as mommy. I'm more excited about it than words can express. Truly, I'm blessed already by this little girl.

I just don't know how to BE a mom.
I know what moms do.
I know what moms say.
What they look like and what they buy
How they wipe your face and suggest a sweater,
How they hug you tight and how they make lunches.

I just don't yet know how motherhood will change me.
Motherhood will be a new facet of my ever-changing identity.
It's all so daunting to be Amelia's mom.
I know it will be great.
I know I will love my little houseguest. For now that's all that matters.